Secret of the Strong
by sharnii
Summary: What happens immediately after the scene where Anthy attempts to suicide off the balcony.


**Secret of the Strong**

_by sharnii_

"_Success means hanging on, when others have let go." _

_~Don Munro~_

It happens on the balcony that yawns over the night. A balcony without a rail, without anything to hold them back. A sky of blazing stars blurring into city lights below. Utena's face is wet with tears, blurring her vision as she gazes at her friend.

Himemiya Anthy, the rose bride, no, _her_ rose bride. Himemiya Anthy, her so-called flower. An irritatingly weak girl who lets herself be hit by abusive boyfriends. A frustratingly passive girl who lets the world go on around her, making no move to participate. A sweet and innocent schoolgirl who makes Utena's arms ache to protect her. A friend who does so much for her…but really, what does she do? An achingly beautiful girl who makes Utena's arms ache to…

What?

Utena blinks back the tears and puts her face in her hands. Her thoughts are muddled, chaotic. Anthy had tried to jump. To JUMP. Why would she do that?! Why in hell would she do something like that?!

Yet Utena already knows. She's seen. She knows exactly why Anthy,

abused

passive

not-so-innocent

but certainly sweet

friendless

beautiful

Anthy would do that.

She can't bear to think about it.

Yet here they are talking about it, hunched over in mutual pain.

"I exploited your innocence," Anthy had murmured, moments before. "I encroached upon your kindness. I'm sorry, Utena-sama, I've been unfair to you. I'm a dirty woman. I've betrayed you all along. I…"

"No!" Utena had exploded. And then she'd said things about being clueless and conceited, things which were true, things which made her head throb. But Anthy had merely replied:

"It's okay now, so please…leave this school. Please forget about all of this."

Utena stares at her.

"How…in the hell could I do that?!" Anthy stares back.

"That's right," Utena tells her, head throbbing in time with her heart. "There's no way in hell I can do that!"

No. Way. In. Hell.

Anthy stares a moment longer. Then her eyes well with tears, rare tears, tears that Utena has never seen. Tears like jewels. She gazes at Utena and she cries, and Utena doesn't know what to think or how to feel.

Why her heart is slamming like a drum.

Why her breath is short, her cheeks flushing feverishly.

How her hand is reaching, trembling but reaching still, reaching to cup Anthy's tear-stained cheek.

"Can't you?" whispers Anthy. And she closes her eyes.

"I can't," admits Utena, to Anthy, and to herself. Without conscious thought she leans in, and presses a fierce promise of a kiss to Anthy's lips. She tastes tears. She tastes salt, and roses, and something a little like poison. Anthy's eyes fly open, wide with surprise.

Wide with knowing.

They stare at each other, two heartbroken girls, and Utena sees a way forward. A way past the wide white couch that looms like a wall between them.

"Himemiya…" she whispers and she leans back in. She shuts her eyes as tightly as she can and gingerly kisses Anthy. Tentatively, because the second time requires thought. Tentatively because her head is screaming questions that even the beating of her heart can't drown out.

Their lips barely meet before she draws back again, but already Anthy's firm hands are entwined in her hair, holding Utena in place. Holding them together. Anthy's trembling lips are moving against her own, drawing her in.

It's just like a fairytale kiss, not in its execution (which is far from perfect), but in the things it does to Utena behind her closed eyelids.

When it ends she fearfully cracks an eye open. Anthy is smiling at her, a small smile, a sad and seductive curve of the lips. Anthy is…amused? Utena sighs and thinks about kissing Anthy again, and tries not to think about all the things that kissing the rose bride (_her_ rose bride) might mean. Does mean.

"Come to bed," says Anthy, and she stands up, nightdress whipping around her in the wind. Clinging to the curves of her un-schoolgirl-like body. She stretches an inviting hand toward her victor and Utena can't help it. Can't help herself. She reaches up and takes Anthy's hand, and allows herself to be pulled to unsteady feet. Allows herself to be led back to their room, back to their adjoining beds.

"I am your flower," whispers Anthy when they get there. "Do you know what that means?"

"No," says Utena, abandoning herself to their next kiss, a deeper more prolonged affair. When they break apart she cups Anthy's face in her hands, eyes tracking once more to the telltale tear-marks.

"As long as you're there at our ten year reunion, I don't care what it means."

Anthy blinks in surprise. Her eyes are shadowed. Hungry, shadowed, not-so-innocent. Filled with longing. Utena thinks again (for she's thought it before) that a schoolgirl shouldn't look this way, shouldn't be able to look this way. She thinks for the first time that maybe Anthy isn't a schoolgirl.

Meanwhile Anthy's hands reach for Utena's pajama shirt, unbuttoning it. The chill air makes Utena's nipples into hard little buds and she gasps against the sensation of her bedmate's too-knowing eyes. She's never felt like this; it's more than mere desire. Her blood is screaming through her veins.

"Utena-sama?" says Anthy, hands hovering at Utena's waistband. Waiting for permission. Waiting for her victor's command.

This is what breaks Utena, breaks her impulse in two and sends her into girlish confusion.

"No," she whispers, pushing Anthy's hands back, away. "We…shouldn't."

"But Utena-sama," says Anthy calmly, too calmly. "I'm your intended. It's perfectly proper."

_Proper, yes_, thinks Utena, head whirling crazily. _But not…right. Fair. About…us._

"In ten years," she mutters, so softly Anthy has to lean forward to hear. "In ten years we can…do this. If you want?"

Anthy's eyes have gone very wide again; she looks confused, which is an expression she wears a lot around Utena.

"But…" she hesitates, then reaches for Utena's shirt and begins to button it up. Utena freezes but doesn't move. They both watch Anthy's clever fingers. _Too clever_, thinks Utena, and she feels a headache coming on. _Too good at this, she's far too good at this…_

"You're tired," says Anthy when she's finished her self-appointed task. "We should go to sleep."

"Yeah," says Utena, "maybe we should." But she doesn't think she can sleep, or ever be asleep again in the way she was. Anthy has woken her up. Anthy leaping from the balcony so unexpectedly, so…cleverly has woken her up.

Anthy is the only one who wakes her up. The only time she feels happy is when…

"Utena-sama?" says Anthy again, breaking into this unsettling reverie.

Utena lies down, and takes Anthy's hand and looks into her unreadable eyes. The tears are dry now - Anthy's expression is sweet, her face as inscrutable as ever. Utena's hand tightens on Anthy's and she thinks about the tears, the rare tears, the real tear-drenched moment.

Sometimes all you have is a moment.

Tentatively she smiles at Anthy, trying not to let her eyes track to those kissable lips (Utena is just a normal girl!). Anthy smiles back, small, uncertain, not in the least seductive.

In tandem their eyes close, but Utena's hand tightens over Anthy's. She's not about to let her go. She hopes Anthy knows that. She hopes her words and her…more-than-words are enough. She hopes she can sleep, because she's tired and her head hurts, and she wants to forget the pain and dream about the happy times instead.

And do everything it takes to make them come again.

_~FIN~_


End file.
